先日、教え子から久しぶりに連絡があった。
大学受験で自分の第一志望に合格できずに滑り止めの大学に入ったけど・・・という相談だった。
でも自分の大人になって、ちゃんと現実を受け入れて今の大学で前に進んでいかなくちゃいけないですよねという内容だった。
基本、連絡がくるとすぐに返信を送るようにしているのだが、先輩として伝えなければいけないことをどのように言葉にしようかと言葉選びに時間がかかり、翌日の朝に返信した。
送ったのは以下の内容だ。
実際に私自身も同じような経験がある。その時の自分に対してもこのような言葉を伝えたいと思う。
どうしても行きたい大学ならば浪人してでも行くこと。
金銭面など色々な不安はあるにしても、万が一、1年間勉強嫌だなと1ミリでも思ったならば、本当に生きたい大学ではないので諦めて良し。
寧ろ勉強自体が嫌なら今の大学すら辞めて良し。
あっさりこのように書いているが、中学時代、学年トップで吸収も早く本当に放っておいても成長していく生徒だった。実際に合格できなかった大学もそう簡単に入学できない大学であるし、実際に今入学している大学だってかなり上位の大学だ。その生徒に向かってこのような内容を送ることは間違ってはいないかと何度も送るのを躊躇した。しかし、彼のこれからの成長を考えると今の考え方を今すぐ変えてほしいという気持ちだった。嫌われてもいいし鬱陶しいと思われてもいい。でもいつか彼ならば今の私の言葉を理解してくれる日がくると確信しているからだ。
そしてこう続ける。
これだけは言いたい。そしてできることなら今、この言葉を素直に受け止めてほしい。
若い人から見ると、大人になったら色々受け入れていかなければいけないんだよ。という言葉があるけれども、あの言葉は私は好きではない。2通りの大人がいるからだ。
1つめは、とりあえず現実を受け入れていこうとする人。
2つめは、その物事を受け入れ、飲み込んで次のステップへ向かう人。
若い人からするとどちらも似たような大人の対応なのかもしれない。
しかし、今のあなたの考え方は前者に近いように感じる。きっとこれから卒業・大学院・就職・・・色々な場面で過去を後悔し、同じことを何度でも悩むことになるだろう。
もちろん、今あなたがいるところも素晴らしい。大学名だけで言っているのではない。あらゆることに貢献し、多くの功績を残している大学であるからだ。間違いなく必要な大学であるし、きっとその中であなたなら先導していける存在でいられるだろうと思う。
私も同じ経験をした。あと数人のところで第一志望の大学に落ちた。しかし、自分の中で覚悟を決めていた。もし無理だったら違う分野で頑張ろうと。科学に関する分野で探究できて、その大学が国内でトップクラスを走っている分野であればきっと楽しく学べるだろうと。
全ての学びは必ずつながっている。覚悟を決めて勉強を始めないとこれからもずっと中途半端になる。
どちらになってもいいと思う。決断には痛みが伴うし、驚くべきほどのエネルギーを使うことになる。迷っていればどっちつかずになるだろう。もう二度と迷わない。そう思って今決断しなさいと。
なかなか返事が返ってこなかったので、言い過ぎたかなと気になっていたが、2日後返事が返ってきた。
そこにはこう書かれていた。
お返事もらってからずっと考えていました。
まず、今ではもう関わりのない自分に親身になってくれてありがとうございます。
自分は中学の頃から行きたい大学を決めていたのでそこに入れなかった自分を受け入れることができずにいました。
身近な人からも、もっと大人になりなさい。やりたいことがなんでもできる訳ではないんだよと言われました。そして、とりあえず今の大学に通うことで自分は現実を受け入れられていると思っていましたが、こうやって悩んでいる時点で受け入れることも諦めることもできていなかった自分に気付かされました。
よく考えてみました。そして出した答えは今の大学でとにかく必死に勉強するということです。もう迷いません。
そして大学院で自分の第一志望の大学に移れるように努力してみます。
きっと彼は言葉の通り、上をめざし、前に進んで行ってくれることだろう。どんな小さな集団であったとしても素晴らしい人はかならず頭角を現す。英語で言うとstand out。立って飛び出る感覚だ。突き抜ける・ブチ抜く。そんな印象だろうか。その感覚は今まで何度も素晴らしい人と出会ってきて感じたことだ。この人には敵わないと思わせてくれる人。彼はそうなってくれるだろう。
ほぼ3年間の間、近所の高校に通ってくれていたのでたまに会って挨拶するくらいだった彼が、また自分に意見を求めてくれることは、塾講師として嬉しいことである。
最後に先生は今何しているの?と聞かれて、
本当に小さい塾だけど、去年から自分で始めたよ。
というと、
あー、いつか自分でやると思ってましたよ。
という謎の言葉を残して。
大人になるとは何かを諦めることなのだとするならば、私はいつまでも大人の殻をかぶった子どもでいよう。
決してそうではない。諦めているのではなく、まるっと飲み込んで誰かの歩んだ道を探して歩くのではなく、まさに自分自身の道を作り上げているのだ。
自分が歩けばそこは道となると信じて。
そしてまたお互い、新しい方向へと進んでいく。
彼が前だけを向いてしっかり歩けるように、これからも密かに見守っていきたいと思う。
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